All Hail The King

Sunday, 24th October 1998

It's all over. There's nothing left, and we're on a train out of Racoon City, but I don't know how long the peace will last. There's no way to destroy them all.

What were they thinking?!

I guess the best thing I can do now is to get the girls to safety.

What a way to start work. I guess I can forget about the party...


Tuesday, 11th January 2005

Not again.

I swore off zombies, goddammit! Now they're all over the damn place!

Is this is all a dream, why can't there be more girls?

Sigh...

Looking Back: Resident Evil 4

It has to be the game of the year for 2005, having taken a ridiculously over-recycled title and transformed it into a totally new concept - not only to the genre, but to the world of videogaming. With the transformation came whole new gameplay, grandiouse tweaks to the mechanics, a horrifying soundtrack, and THE MOST realistic graphics seen on a console system.

This is a tribute to the Decendent of The Godfather of Survival Horror Genre, Resident Evil 4.

Before I start though...

ROLE-PLAYING PRICKS LAY OFF, THIS IS ACTION GAMES ZONE.

Cut the bullcrap, give me the gist!

Without sitting through hours upon needless hours of storytelling (ala XENOGEARS, FINAL FANTASY, WILD ARMS, DRAGON QUEST, any other role-playing game, etc etc etc...), Resident Evil 4 manages an engaging storyline about horror-series-veteran Leon Kennedy and his mission to rescue the kidnapped daughter of the United States President - all in a little less than 20 hours of game time, most of which involves you pelting hordes of zombie-like superhuman villagers full of lead.

Like most action games, Resident Evil 4's storyline revolves around nothing more than a rescue mission against a ticking clock, with the protaganist meeting some serious obstacles throughout his journey. Leon's come-back tour is colorized by the inclusion of (va-va-voom) Ada Wong and company, as well as a whole new cast of mutant misfits that brightens the otherwise overused cliche of an action plot.

Story: 3/5

Action, action, action

It used to tick me off - having to watch an inanimate Leon Kennedy fight zombies like the Tin Man from Oz, waiting for the three-second pause where he would lift the gun only to find the zombies have closed in on me and that I had to run away again.

Well, that was in the age of the PSOne, which has now gone into its tenth year, making the legendary console dust in forgotten lands.

Like all old things, there has have to be improvement; action in the previous Resident Evils didn't quite cut it - Spot an enemy, get distance, draw arms, shoot, shoot shoot... Kinda lame now that you look at it. But all is forgiven because they're Survival Horror games, and action isn't quite the gist of it all.

Resident Evil 4 brings much needed boost of action into the old genre, realizing action game buffs' dreams - Survival Horror with the return element of ass-kicking. The player actually gets to fight back now.

No more sitting around where all I could do was run and run and run. I actually found myself standing ground and decapitating zombies this time round - something I feared to do the last few installations because of lack of ammo.

But no, Resident Evil 4's action isn't just tried and tested - it's fast-paced and virtually conquers any other game with guns. You've got your standard arsenal of handguns, shotguns, and rifles... along with your novelty minethrowers, machine guns, and the always popular magnum.

Add that in with the three types of grenades that Leon can toss at enemies and you've got yourself a John Woo epic in full-flight.

What else?

Let's talk about the enemies - mad villagers, mutated crocodiles, giant ogres, invisible bugs. chain-gun soldiers, huge bosses... There's more than enough to make friends with Leon's case of weaponary.

And I'm not talking about taking on the enemies one at a time either. More often than not, Leon will find himself surrounded by throngs of mindless zombie-people, forcing him to use more ammo than necessary to get himself out of the tight fix. And sometimes, they just keep coming. And coming. AND COMING...

What's fun is thinking of ways to despatch the huge crowds - shots to the torso, a suplex following a shot to their knees, or just a sniper-shot between their eyes. It's all up to your imagination.

Action: 10/5

And she's got a nice face too

First impressions of a game are more often than not based on their looks - the more recent game graphic engines emphasizing on shadow-rendering and lighting effects more than anything else. For example, the Silent Hill Series has always been known for eerie and realistic lighting that goes so well with the ambience.

And then, there are those who look at the character design - how everyone looks in the game, and the variety of facial expressions given to the people. The more expressive the developers make a character, the more excited players get.

Last but not least, level design and the little details like dust and smoke make up the rest of the cake.

Why bother playing a game you'll grow tired of looking at?

With that being said, Resident Evil 4 looks like a dream. From the interactive game levels to the scar on Leon's face, you'll never get tired of staring an ugly moster in the face just to count the number of pimples on it.

Graphics: 5/5

Going beyond the game

I'll let you in on a little secret - Resident Evil 4, like most games from this time and age, has the worst sort of boring ending you can expect. Kinda like any Hollywood movie from 2005 really...

So to keep players reeling in their seats and ready to take on another challenge, Resident Evil 4 comes packed with all the little goodies an action game has.

That's right - when you've come to the end of the line, with all the enemies toast and the damsel rescued (often against the players' wishes), what we look for is that reason for us to hold that game in the system longer - the extras.

Starting the lineup, we have bonus weapons - The Matilda, a rapid-fire pistol; The Chicago Typewriter, an infinite-ammo Submachine Gun; the (fabled) Infinite Rocket Launcher; and last but not least, the Legendary Hand Cannon.

Earlier, I mentioned that players got to play as Ada Wong (the bitch in the red dress) in... her very own Assignment Ada mini-game! Not the longest game (and the PS2 version has a 5-chapter exclusive), but the action's good and it quick action for our heroine. It's got nothing to do with the storyline, but after watching the sucky letdown of a anti-climax (they don't even kiss?!) you'd really want nothing else to do with the storyline.

And after THAT, there's still the Mercenary Mini-Game! Very similiar to Resident Evil 3's quick action shoot-em-up, Resident Evil 4 introduces a ticking clock and Dino-Crisis-ish combo systems in different scenerios. basically, you kill as much as you can within the time limit and you get rewarded for consecutive kills.

What's really cool about this mini-game is the ability to unlock and use other characters in the game (because frankly, we've all grown tired of looking at Leon). Get good enough, and you'll be able to see the return of Resident Evil's favorite villian - Albert Wesker, alongside the lovly Ada Wong, Mr. Death a.k.a. Hunk, and the mutanted Jack Krauser.

Each with their own arsenal of weapons, the Mercenary Mini-Game will keep players busy for quite some time.

And when all's said and done, what's left is to take out the trash.

Extras: 4/5

Walking

Hold it well, for
Lost in the darkness
All that comes will not be seen.

Though you shove frantically
Into the passing crowds,
A step back will be your reward.

Why sleep when you can lie awake
Thinking of what's to be -
Like a candle waiting to burn.

You who hold the light!
Share your gains with the sleepless
And watch their faces fade.

And for the thoughtless,
Wonder far enough,
And you might join me still.

Behind the Silver Screen - The Surviving Evil

Here's something we all know and love - fiction.

Formed in 1933, The Gestapo (acronymn of Geheime Staatspolizei [pronounced Gay-haa-i'm-sh-ta-bing-bling-wadda-wadda-bling-who-gives-a-flying-fuck].)

For simplicity sake, let's just call them the "Secret State Police".

Hell, let's call them The Gestapo!

Anyway, from the skull and crossbones logo (personally designed and illustrated by A.H. himself) will tell you that these buggers are not to be messed with. A trip with them could easily land you in the slammer, concentration camp, or the A.H. toilet cubicle as a seat warmer (some say this was the worse of all treatments given to only the most vile infidel, the bastard!)

Back in the ol' days of 1942, The Gestapo were given examption to a lot of bullcrap, leaving them outside the law and oh-so-fun to be in. The daily duties of the State Police included gathering and massacring Jews and opposition members, holding meetings to strengthen the power of their leader A.H., checking out the town for hiding spots for rebels, appearing on tv in Allo Allo to fight the French Resistance, hunting for bargains on grey coats and black leather boots.

Their hobbies include reading, writing, running after rebels and cross-dressing to look like French Resistance pussies so they can infiltrate and gather evidence of their rebellion.

After nine seasons of bumbling, Cafe Rene still remains a hotspot for resistance efforts, and The Gestapo continues to be ridiculed and laughed at by audiences world-wide, their resume of exploits gathering a significant fanbase.

Screen stars or not, their fame was short-lived. During the great culling of 1992, where television shows were axed like skin cells off of Michael Jackson, Allo Allo saw its last, bidding fans and enemies so-long-goodbye-and-thanks-for-all-the-fish.

Following the years of drug abuse and jobless beer-drinking, The Gestapo tried to revive their fame by cutting albums, their most famous numbers being Stop, Rock and Roll With Gestapo, Smells Like The Gestapo, My Shot Will Go On, and You Can't Touch This (Gestapo), where they had successful collaborations with Celine Dion, M.C. Hammer, Gary Glitter and Nirvana.

But like all German Rock Bands, their music took a nose-dive when people tuned into MTV and forgot all about foreign music. Their skint with Gary Glitter also got them on the FBI's most wanted list for abusing and sexually molesting children before shooting them in the head with their Red 9's.

They were forced to flee the universe.

Although all historic evidence has led to the disbanding of the Geheime Staatspolizei, I know better.

Lurking amoung the shadows is an individual, her passion for the cause
still strong, waiting for the signal to strike. She is ruthless, well-trained and capable of inflicting critical damage.

Society as we know it will soon come to an end.


She awaits, Le Gestapo.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

That's right, I have to come clean now.

I'm terrified of dogs. And bicycles.

It all started when I was just a tiny toddler, cycling out at the park on my bicycle (don't get too excited Cupcake, training wheels were involved). The events that are about to unfold will in some way lead to my complete and unwavering distrust in bicycles, but that itself is another story for another paragraph.

And here we are, all ready to expose my absolute terror of cheap transportation - as the story goes, a little boy who happened to share the same name as I do was given a training bicycle for his birthday. It was blue I guess, and there were thin rubber strips that sprouted out from the handle bars that fluttered in the wind whenever our little protagonist would cycle fast.

Kelvin, from Kelvin and Hobbes, had a killer bicycle that attempted to kill him whenever he tried to ride it. I know how he feels.

And fastly cycle did he, round and round the jogging track of the park. Nothing could stand in his way; he was the racing demon of Yishun.

Until...





Picture this - a rabid dog with serious mental issues taking our hero out for the ride of his life, probably jealous of the new bicycle and therefore made an effort to attempt to tear my bloody legs off.

The episode ended when a kind lady got tired of laughing at a little boy cycling away from a psychotic dog with a training bicycle and took the initiative to hinder the dog's movement with her umbrella. Personally, I'm against animal abuse, but this bugger's just pushing it too far along the line.

And so our hero was saved! That's if you consider fine a crying kid with severely tired legs, overworked blood vessels, and a sore neck from all the turning behind to check if the killer mutt's gaining on him.

It didn't last very long, which was good because not a lot of people I know would like to be chased for prolonged periods of time by a bag of saliva with legs. Yessiree...

All dogs go to heaven. That's where they get kicked around by people like me. It wouldn't be fun without them there, those drooling, attention-seeking morons.

Which brings me to the true debate of the day -

Cats Vs. Dogs

As we all know, Cats and Dogs have been immortalized in modern culture, where they serve the human master as pets. Although science has proven that owning pets and spending time with them will reduce stress levels drastically, I pity the poor soul who told their daddy they wanted a dog instead of a cat.

It's not a fair fight - cats rule, dogs drool. You do the math.

There's a ruling that cat's aren't allowed in apartment flats AT ALL, while small dogs are graciously accepted as long as they have licenses. I've found this totally absurd, and I have a few examples to illustrate the blunder-headedness of canines.

scenario One: It's the exams and you're in a fix because of the lowly excuses for students that the lecturer has stuck you with. That's right, it's crunch time, and all you can do now to salvage your grades is a week-long hiatus at home with your text books.

In comes little bow-wow and seeing how you're always at home, thinks that you want to spend more time playing with him. The little critter misses you a lot, and since you've had the little critter for dog-gone years, "Tiny" has grow to the size of a mini-bus. But hey, the bloody thing misses you, and so lets you know it (like all mutts do) by pouncing on you every once in a while and slobbering his viscous drool all over you.

You're glad he's so affectionate. You fail your exam coz Tiny won't leave you alone.

Boo hoo.

scenario Two: It's your girlfriend's birthday, and you spend the last twenty years planning this really special day. Everything's going to go right - candlelight dinner, dancing at the ballroom, and then retirement to her place for some cake and music.

Except that Mindy's pet poodle Pookie LOVES candles. The lights make her go nuts, and the poofy thing ends up in flames coz she won't stop going near and sniffing the damn sticks of burning wax. "first degree burns" says the vet late that evening, and all you can see is the look of concern on your girlfriend's face as she interrogates the vet and asks why the Pookie the pet poodle is so damn dumb.

Yup, she's forgotten about the fabulous birthday that you planned. Did I mention she's going to stay over at the animal hospital hospital to tend to Pookie the pet poodle even though dogs can't do much communication except by drooling and whining?

The list is endless - chocking on balls when playing fetch, taking playtime too seriously and biting off your hand, drool, not knowing where the damn toilet is until you beat the fact into his stupid canine head, making noise at every cricket chatter at the door five blocks away, drool, humping your [insert common household item here], emptying your wallet every month because it eats so damn much (brain capacity is not equal to the amount an animal eats, but rather inversely proportionate), drool, eating your homework.

With your friendly neighborhood feline however, you can count your blessings because not only is the cat smaller and much more low-maintainance, she comes with a self-learning program that automatically upgrades itself as she gets older. She's cheaper, smarter, cleaner, quieter, and definately drool-free.

But enough talk, for a picture says a thousand words.




Cats rule.