Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Official Stress-Buster's Stress-Buster Diet Plan For Immediate & Non-Painful Stress-Busting

FADE IN BLACK:

CUE TITLE:

TITLE FADE OUT:

ROLL TEXT:

2.4 litres of water, preferrably cold
2 packets of M&Ms (net weight 55g), flavor and quantity to preference
1 standard size writing pad
1 set of playlist, subject to preference

FADE TO BLACK:

V.O. (WITH MUSIC PLAYING IN BG)
Every fuckin' day... in-and-out-and-in. No stop.

BG GETS LOUDER

V.O.
How's a guy supposed to get some rest around here?

BG GETS LOUDER

V.O.
Me? I guess it's always been the music - ya let it loose and it takes over you, running down everything in your path like a freight train derailed; there's no stopping me now. I got my music.

BG GETS LOUDER

V.O.
Oh yeah. It's always been the music.

SOUNDS OF BOMBS DROPPING IN THE DISTANCE

FADE IN:

EXT. WAR ZONE - DAY

Private (PTE) ALFRECINO BALLUCHI turns the music on his IPod up more, successfully drowing out the screeching hail of shrapnel. He continues to stroll down the front, a thin piece of paper in his hand. His pair of sunglasses gleam in the midday sun, hiding his otherwise handsome face which since has been used as target practise by mosquitoes and other bugs. It's apparent that not a lot of washing gets done during times of war.

LOUDER SCREECHING ATOP MUSIC

PTE BALLUCHI slows his pace to a crawl and turns to face the battlefield. Dust and metal rain the placid air, coating the pathetic ambience with a smooth layer of misery.

PTE BALLUCHI (STOPPING)
Well, well... Ain't that a pretty sight. We're getting our asses creamed, and all we can do is send letters here and there, in and out... I'd love to meet the genius of this outfit.

He removes his sunglasses, takes a deep whiff of the air and lets loose a flurry of coughing fits, inaudible under the air raid sirens and the singing bombs.

PTE GALLUCHI
Fucking geniuses should shoot themselves before I get to them and tell them what email is.

PTE BALLUCHI continues on his task, popping some month-old M&Ms as he blasts his music louder. He doesn't walk far before he is shoved off his feet by someone. A bomb explodes nearby, sending dirt and metal hurling through the air.

FADE TO BLACK:

ROLL TEXT:

Rugby Tackle: defensive maneuver employed by giant, steroid-popping football players to reliquish their opponents' hold of the ball; PAIN usually ensues.

FADE IN:

INT. HDB FLAT - EARLY MORNING

ARTHUR WONG lies on the mattress, his head up, stretching his neck trying to take a look at what's landed on his chest. There's a numbing pain, and everything's dark - probably due to the sun not having risen.

He can hear a slight breathing, and whatever's making that sound is sitting right on top of him, imposing its weight on his chest, keeping him pinned onto the mattress. He tries to get up, but to no avail - the force of the tackle knocked his strength right out.

ARTHUR (V.O.)
It's looking at me.

The creature looks on, breathing heavily as its piercing gaze impales ARTHUR'S sanity. From a distance, claws clank across the floor, coming closer and closer to him and his assailant.

CREATURE ON CHEST
Hoowreaaoww...

It lets out a cry - the most sissy meow you ever heard. In the midst of his stupor, ARTHUR failed to realize that he was floored by what must be the fattest cat in Singapore - a 8kg (now 6 due to territorial dispute) tabby with a fat sack that resembles Winston Churchill (you have to look close enough).

He kicks the cat off the bed and returns back to sleep.

SOUNDS OF BOMBS DROPPING

FADE TO:

EXT. WAR ZONE - DAY

PTE BALLUCHI throws the body off himself and rushes to regain balance. He searches for the piece of paper he's been holding and finds it firmly in his grip. He turns to face the person who drove him to the ground.

PTE BALLUCHI
What the fuck did you think you were doing?

The stranger looks up at PTE BALLUCHI, dusting off the dirt thathas settled from the blast.

PTE BALLUCHI
Hey! What's the meaning of this? Last thing I needed was someone planting my face onto the ground.

STRANGER
You're welcome.

PTE BALLUCHI
WHAT?!

STRANGER
If it wasn't for me, you'd have been blasted to pieces! So you're welcome.

PTE BALLUCHI
Bullshit! I'm the best damn postman out here! Ain't no bomb's gonna take me out!

Another motar blows up close to where they are. Both men drop to their knees, hands on their necks.

PTE BALLUCHI
Woah!

STRANGER (starting to move off)
We've best get to safer grounds. Follow me.

PTE BALLUCHI gives the STRANGER a weary eye and walks the other way.

STRANGER
We've got no time to waste.

PTE BALLUCHI
So fuck off then! I've a letter to deliver, and you're in my way!

STRANGER
You're not being cooperative. I'm going to have to ask you again - FOLLOW ME.

PTE BALLUCHI
If you think I'll just -

The STRANGER points a gun at him.

PTE BALLUCHI (face pale)
Hey man, there's no need to get all serious over this. I'm just a postman, nothing more. There's no need to resort to violence. Just go away and we can all be good rite?

STRANGER
FOLLOW ME.

PTE BALLUCHI
Yeah, yeah... Sure thing. Just take that thing away from my face!

The STRANGER cocks his weapon.

PTE BALLUCHI
OK! OK! I'm coming.

The two of them walk off into the distance, motars raining down upon their path.

FADE TO BLACK:








1 comment:

Fearful Seer said...

What in the blue hell?

First of all... THIS IS BRILLIANT! You're a great writer... as expected of a genius from the Wong clan. Even my Jumadi Bloodline Limit or my Clumsy-no-justu is of no match.

Secondly... when did you start writing this man? You didn't tell me you were writing scripts... Wait... then again, I didn't tell you I was writing too, till Super Dave unceremoniously broke the news... Oh, I must address David by his new title now... A.D. Dave... Hehehehehe.

Thirdly... I will seek power and help from you one day on my new jutsu (script) as well. Don't worry, I won't go ahead without ya. It looks great now so far. By now the hopeless romantics of the team have seen it and have given their thumbs up... Now what's left is to convince you more technical guys... which I intend to show after I complete the 2nd draft...

Anyway... awesome work... But where in the world did you get the name BALLUCHI? Is it some kind of reference to Italian director, Bernardo Bertolucci? Or maybe Italian actress Monica Belluci?

Haris